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run away


Time will say nothing

but i told you so

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Pushing shit uphill
run away
I am a major idiot.

You know how sometimes you just don't want to work on a paper at all? yeah that's me right now and it's not just any paper this is THE paper. Maybe that sounds dramatic it kinda is, to give some background I haven't been posting here for awhile and honestly i didn't really get this journal started up in the first place however today i am annoyed at myself and need to vent a little.

Okay as i said background all most exactly a year ago i was doing this same paper (i'm redoing my year 'cause i dropped out) and at the same time i was attempting to pretend to myself and the world around me that i was fine, I wasn't though. I really wasn't okay, I was having weird crying fits, mostly at night when I felt like I could let go, and the rest of the time I was pretty much numb. Nothing really made sense and it seemed like everywhere i looked for help was either a dead end or cost to damn much. I didn't want to admit it to anyone how bad it had gotten so I made up a lot of excuses for myself: I was just a little down, hormones, stress from school. And then I got the assignment to write this paper, to explain how major a deal it is in my education system we get two weeks of too write it and it counts for two grade's on our diplomas so major deal, but the point is that I realized I couldn't write it.

I could not make myself sit down and write it i lost my concentration, time seemed to sorta fluctuate and the closer to the time I was supposed to hand it in I got the weirder my reactions got, to sum it up i ended up turning in 8 pages of utter crap which was first of all way to few pages  and it barely covered half of what I was supposed to be writing about. My teacher ended up calling me and talking to me for a long time too figure out what had gone wrong (she considered me an A student) and too make a long story slightly shorter she ended up convincing me to make an appointment with my doctor who diagnosed me with a mild to middle depression.

Depression is a shitty thing but i ended up at a good shrink and after dropping out i pretty much got my head screwed on right again so i restarted school. Only now there's this paper again and it scares the crap out of me it's not rational at all but i am actually scared of this like it's gonna drop another major bombshell on me or something i was winding down my visits to my shrink (michael) mostly 'cause public healthcare only provides support for 12 visits, but now we had to up them again which is costing me a fortune and I am pissed at my head for not just working correctly and normally.

Really this post is just pissed of rambling at my subconscious i guess.  To steal that lovely internet phrase right now: Fuck My Life.

Okay this post is likely filled with errors so sorry to anyone who might get annoyed at my lack of grammatical correctness 
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