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run away


Time will say nothing

but i told you so

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Packing my life with meaning.
run away
This is RL crap... put behind a cut to not spam people with feelings and shit

Okay so it's that time of the year again, or honestly it has been for awhile the days are getting a lot shorter and Christmas is coming up. That last part should probably make me happy and i guess on some level i am looking forward to that, on another level i am scared again.

I am actually kind of terrified, that trying to keep busy and baking and cramming vitamin D down my throat isn't going to cut it this year. Last year around this time i had a bit of a slip, granted it was much milder than my original depression and i was retaking my school year so everything was reminding me of what a failure i was. But i was also seeing my therapist regularly and i am not anymore. That alone is terrifying me, i am going into this stressed time where i two times have slipped into the dark shitpit that any form of depression is, and no one is here to hold my hand.

Outside looking in i would say what about your family and friends..

Yeah that's complicated i love my family but we have issues one them being that they didn't believe me when i told them i had a depression, granted they didn't say that to my face but that old saying is true people who listen in on others conversation rarely hear what they want to. Another being that i keep a lot of things private from them like the fact that i'm bisexual or that i smoke sometimes when i feel stressed.

And friends? It's amazing how quickly you loose contact with people when you are depressed which has resulted in me having only a few friends who knew me before or during that year, like 3 people.. And it doesn't seem fair to dump everything on them.

So instead i am trying something new, i will attempt to accept and if possible embrace that every year when the days get really short i am going to be terrified. I will try to fill my days with things i love and trying to exercise regularly and basically being a full and harmonic person, but if i slip and end up crying through the night sometimes or freeze with my hand on the door knob when trying to go to school in the mornings, i will accept that and try to do better tomorrow. No more beating myself up for taking the time i need, this year i will try to accept that one of my flaws is being a little to fragile emotionally when the stores start putting up Christmas decorations.